I was recently asked if I was planning a vacation this summer. No; I have precious few days left that I can take off from work. That being said, every evening is a mini vacation as I step into the garden. The sunflowers are coming along and the cosmos have begun to bud. Fresh picked squash. Zucchini bread just pulled from the oven. The Patriotic Pumpkin Patch is promising for autumn picking. I’ve seen a meme that goes something like ‘Into the garden I go to lose my mind and find my soul’. I don’t lose my mind, but the garden does settle my soul.
We lost our mother in April and learning to live without her is so new and, really, I don’t have adequate words to describe what it feels like.
As a very young woman, I went from my mother’s home to being newlywed and running my own. A wife, a mother, and kids almost all grown and on their own, I found myself divorced 30 years later. Back to Mama I went, which was good for both of us. Her health declined and I took care of her the best I knew how. Now, she’s gone. I don’t have anyone I need to tell my plans to. There is no one I need to consider, but myself. For us women, that is a foreign concept. I remind myself that it is perfectly fine to pick up and go at a moments notice. It’s kind of freeing, but also daunting.
I spent the spring at the ballfields, watching grandchildren play. That was nice, as in recent years I had missed a lot of their activities because Mama needed me. Suppers for one. Light laundry duty. Just Marigold for company in the evenings. I catch myself thinking, “When I get home, Mama will get a kick out of what happened at the grocery store.” But a second later, a sadness washes over my soul. Mama’s in heaven, not at my house. Then I think of all the joy she is experiencing in her new body and that Saint Peter is probably trying to rein in Mama and her three sisters. Man, did they have fun together on earth; in heaven- unrestrained elation!
So, into my garden I go almost each evening to pittle, to weed, to harvest. And my soul is settled.
But I still miss my Mama.